smartphone Jokes

$100 Smartphone Jokes

$100 

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00pm.
He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
His wife thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.

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A teenage girl walked into a bank with several glass jars filled with quarters. After running them through the automated counting machine, the teller announced, "That came out to $793.75. Tell me, young lady, how long have you been hoarding all those quarters?"
"All year," replied the girl, "but my sister whored half of them."

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Half Century Age Difference
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming,... and the smell of burning rubber!"

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If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands!

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A woman was driving down the road one day only to find herself behind a horse trailer being pulled by a pick-up truck. As they were driving along, the back door of the horse trailer came loose and swung open, exposing the rear end of the horse inside. Eventually, gastric and bowel processes completed, the horse's tail lifted and -- voila -- the woman's windshield was covered in horse stuff.
Now the woman's first instinct was, of course, to turn on the windshield wipers. Unfortunately, this only made the situation worse and as the woman tried to gain control of the car and keep it on the road, she heard a siren. Craning her neck out the window to steer the car onto the shoulder, she noticed that the siren was sounding from directly behind her and followed her onto the shoulder.
Sitting in her car, trying to regain her composure, a state trooper came alongside and asked the woman for her license and registration. Now, it was readily apparent from even a cursory glance, what had happened to the windshield of the woman's car and she was shocked that the trooper appeared so callous and had not even enquired as to her safety. "What do you want my license and registration for?" asked the woman.
"You were driving erratically," replied the state trooper.
Now, almost apoplectic, the woman began fumbling through her purse. As she presented the requested documents to the state trooper she asked, sarcastically, "I suppose you want to sell me a ticket to the state trooper's ball, also."
The state trooper fixed her with a long, hard gaze, drew himself up to his full height and replied, "Ma'am. State Troopers don't have balls!"
After a momentary pause, the trooper's face turned several shades of red. He handed back her license and registration, strode back to his car and drove off.

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Posted by www.anymobilesmartphone.co.uk

Smartphone Jokes A Must Read

Merry Christmas All xxx 

# 9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

# 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

# 7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

# 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

# 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

# 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

# 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

# 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

# 1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

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